Defence mechanisms at work and in relationships

What are defence mechanisms?

In many cases, defence mechanisms are healthy, functional ways for people to cope with difficult, sad, or undesirable events. Without them, we might become overwhelmed by too many stimuli, emotions, or impulses. However, these mechanisms can also become restrictive and dysfunctional, causing harm to ourselves and others. Understanding defence mechanisms and learning how to manage them is essential for effective collaboration, as well as for enhancing mental stability.
For example, repression is a commonly used defence mechanism. It is a coping strategy we all rely on. When striving to make our company the best in the market, we seldom think about the employees of the companies we’ve outcompeted. When we eat meat, we repress our compassion for the animals involved, shutting off awareness of the bloodshed and suffering we have contributed to. This applies to many areas of life: how can we enjoy luxury knowing that the money could have saved a life? Repression becomes dysfunctional when we deceive ourselves too much and start missing critical information, or when we become desensitised and anti-social. This occurs when we suppress feelings or perceptions that are evident and for which we must take responsibility.

Once we realise we are repressing too much, we can make time, space, and energy to explore what we’ve been avoiding for too long. It often helps to bring structure to this process, for example by setting a regular time to write about the pain or emotions we’ve been neglecting.

Defence mechanisms, conflict management, and psychodynamics at work

Defensive behaviour in the workplace (often referred to as defensive mechanisms) is common when employees feel threatened, receive criticism, or feel uncertain about their performance. Imagine a team member who is insecure about their own abilities. In such cases, a defence mechanism might come into play, preventing the employee from acknowledging this insecurity. It may be too painful to admit that they might not be suited for the task at hand. Or, for someone who places great importance on status because it offers a sense of security, admitting to their own shortcomings might trigger overwhelming feelings of insecurity.
Defensive behaviour can manifest in various forms, such as denial, where we refuse to take responsibility for a mistake. Or projection, where we shift the blame onto others. In these cases, we project our feelings onto a colleague and accuse them of incompetence. This unconscious mechanism protects us from the painful realisation of our own insecurities but, at the same time, disrupts teamwork and causes tensions within the group.
Another example is rationalisation. A team member might make a mistake, but instead of acknowledging it, they come up with more or less plausible excuses to justify the error. This helps protect the ego from shame or guilt but can lead to a lack of accountability within the team and undermine trust between colleagues, as people often sense, consciously or unconsciously, that something is amiss.
Someone might also withdraw into silence or exhibit passive-aggressive behaviour as a form of defence. These defensive actions often arise from a lack of trust, stress, or uncertainty about one’s role or contribution within the team. This can severely disrupt productivity and collaboration, contributing to a hostile or uncomfortable atmosphere. Conflicts can escalate, and problems remain unresolved, which, in the long run, damages the work environment and the organisation as a whole.

To break the cycle of defensive behaviour, it is crucial to foster an open and safe work culture where employees feel heard and can admit mistakes without fear of repercussions. But how do you establish such a culture?
Leadership plays a key role in this: by encouraging open communication, showing empathy, and providing constructive feedback, employees can learn to reduce defensive reactions. Good leaders must be able to set an example. A leader who can admit to making a mistake and offer an apology can significantly improve the sense of safety in the workplace. This makes the leader more human, and consequently, the work environment less stressful: making mistakes is acceptable (as long as lessons are learned and the mistakes are not catastrophic). As a leader, you may need to confront and neutralise your own fears, such as fear of losing status, to avoid unintentionally reacting defensively.
Humour, when applied respectfully, can also be incredibly liberating. If you can laugh at your own defence mechanisms, it can help others admit that they use the same methods. This lightens the mood and makes the subject easier to discuss. The trick is to laugh at yourself without ridiculing others. As the team culture becomes more open and relaxed, you can carefully introduce metacommunication, such as lightly asking, “What’s really bothering you?”
Additionally, offering training in emotional intelligence, conflict management, and recognising defence mechanisms (both in oneself and in others) can help raise awareness of defensive behaviours, clarify workplace psychodynamics, and improve teamwork. Online courses can also be useful, as their individual nature provides a safe yet deep introduction to these topics, teaching participants how to manage them effectively.

Psychological defence mechanisms in intimate relationships

In intimate relationships, psychological defence mechanisms are often used as a way to avoid emotional pain or to protect oneself from feelings of vulnerability. However, these forms of defence can be harmful, even toxic, to the relationship, leading to misunderstandings and tension. Here, also, a common mechanism is projection, where we project our own unwanted feelings or behaviours onto the other person. For example, if we feel insecure, we might accuse our partner of jealousy or infidelity, when in reality it is our own fear, or perhaps even a repressed desire, at play. Aso in relationships a frequently seen form of defence is relational denial, where we refuse to acknowledge the reality of certain issues or conflicts. This can occur when we downplay or ignore problems in the relationship instead of openly discussing them. Rationalisation is also a common defensive behaviour, where we attempt to justify our actions or choices, even when they are harmful to the relationship. This might happen when we excuse our unreasonable behaviour by blaming external factors, such as work stress or fatigue.
Another frequent form of defence is outsourcing, where one partner strengthens an avoided feeling within the other partner. This can create strange, one-sided dynamics where one partner ‘needs’ the other to be fearful or overly cautious. Relationships can start to feel restrictive, or roles can polarise, and sometimes these polarities may even flip, with the other partner becoming too anxious or overly cautious.
Avoidance is another common defence mechanism in intimate relationships. Here, we avoid conflicts by steering away from difficult conversations, which in the long run can lead to unresolved issues and emotional distance. The frustration we feel will eventually find its way out. So, if we do not consciously address it (perhaps through a conversation which can be difficult and heavy), irritation will surface in other, less controlled ways, such as making sharp, passive-aggressive comments or engaging in counterproductive behaviour. While part of the frustration can be worked out through other means, such as intense physical activity, this is not a solution for the root cause of the frustration.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is a subtle form of avoidant defence, where we express our anger or frustration indirectly, such as by remaining silent or engaging in actions that provoke irritation, rather than addressing the issues openly.

To manage these defence mechanisms, it is important to promote awareness and communication. Partners can work on fostering emotional safety, where openness, honesty, and vulnerability are encouraged. It can also be helpful to take a course that offers insights into the various forms of psychological defence and how to deal with them. Relationship coaching or therapy can likewise help in recognising these defence mechanisms and developing more effective ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. It helps to be able to put words to the patterns you may have already unconsciously noticed in yourself and/or your partner.

Defence mechanisms under stress

Defence mechanisms are often heightened during stressful situations, both at work and in intimate relationships, to protect themselves from overwhelming emotions or pressure. Typically, this leads to a more intense use of defensive behaviours that we usually employ in milder forms. During childhood, children unconsciously learn which defence mechanisms work best in their environment to protect them. As adults, they are more likely to revert to these mechanisms when faced with significant stress. Denial and avoidance of conflict are the most common forms of defence under stress as well. While this can provide short-term relief, it often results in postponed problems that ultimately cause more stress.
Regression is another defence mechanism that can emerge more strongly during intense stress. A person may revert to childlike or earlier behaviours, acting more dependent or emotionally immature than usual. Related to this is stress eating, which can also be a form of regression, as parents may have comforted us with sweets or other comforting foods in childhood.
Sometimes, stress manifests as violence, whether psychological or physical. Pent-up feelings that are too painful to confront and are suppressed under pressure can eventually explode. Often, this outburst has little to do with the person at whom the aggression is directed. In such cases, displacement is also at play. For the person experiencing the suppressed aggression in the other person, it may have been apparent for some time that an outburst was imminent. This can lead to freezing, avoidance, or paradoxically, even attacking. The escalating stress becomes so overwhelming that the threatened individual may initiate conflict in an attempt to gain control over the timing of the outburst, hoping that the tension will eventually subside. This behaviour is often seen in abusive partner relationships. After the outburst, the apologies and hopeful promises of change by the abusive partner seem ‘worth it’—but only temporarily, as in most cases, nothing is truly resolved.

Addressing stress-related defence mechanisms often begins with awareness. Gaining insight into when you resort to a particular defence mechanism can also help you understand your stress triggers. From there, you can make plans to reduce or avoid those stress factors. This process can be supported by relaxation techniques, mindfulness, or professional guidance. In cases where defence mechanisms are accompanied by psychological or physical violence, it is crucial to investigate and address the stress factors in a timely manner, for example, by withdrawing from a situation as soon as you feel tension building in your body. Recognising these tension triggers and having the courage to step back is essential. Physical activity, such as sports, can also help to release tension, provided it is genuinely stress-relieving.
A significant component of tackling stress-related defence mechanisms is determining whether stress addiction is involved. This is a common issue for individuals who have endured a stressful childhood. Their bodies are conditioned to high concentrations of stress hormones, making them feel most alive during stressful situations. Breaking this addiction can be challenging but is rewarded with improved health and a reduction in unnecessary conflict.

Dealing with narcissism at work

Narcissism is not only a defence mechanism but also a developmental phase that all children go through. However, it can evolve into a personality disorder. At its core, narcissism is an inability to genuinely care about others or to form authentic relationships. This inability can manifest in various ways and degrees of severity. It is important to recognise that we all exhibit narcissistic traits to some extent.
Dealing with colleagues who exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies can be challenging, particularly as they often react defensively when their behaviour is questioned. These individuals often seek admiration and validation but respond poorly to criticism, which may trigger defence mechanisms such as the already mentioned denial, projection, or even psychological and physical aggression. They may manipulate conversations or put themselves in the spotlight, while ignoring or downplaying the contributions of others.
Some organisations attract many narcissistic personalities. Consider why you might have chosen such a workplace. It’s possible you may be dealing with covert narcissism yourself, a behaviour where one adopts an excessively modest stance and derives self-worth from admiring the very narcissists who cause them so much trouble.

To manage such behaviour, it is essential to set boundaries and maintain clear communication. Avoid taking personal attacks to heart and try to remain calm to prevent escalation. Be assertive without being confrontational, focusing on objective facts rather than emotional arguments. It can also be helpful to seek support from management or HR if the behaviour has a lasting negative impact on team morale or performance.
If you are specifically interested in this form of defence, we recommend reading our article on Narcissism. You will learn to distinguish between healthy and problematic narcissism, recognise key symptoms (in yourself and others), and discover ways to help yourself and others recover from its negative effects.

Gaslighting at work

Gaslighting is a subtle but destructive form of manipulation, either conscious or unconscious, in which a person or group causes a colleague to doubt their perception, memory, or judgement. This can range from small comments that belittle the other person’s feelings to larger manipulations that distort reality. For example, a manager may deny previous agreements or instructions, leading the employee to question themselves. Over time, this kind of behaviour can severely undermine an employee’s confidence, leading to feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, and ultimately creating an unsafe atmosphere in the workplace.

To recognise and handle gaslighting, it’s important to keep clear documentation of communications and agreements, and to seek support from trusted colleagues or HR. Setting assertive boundaries and maintaining a professional demeanour can help to mitigate the effects of gaslighting, but long-term exposure may require formal intervention to resolve the situation.

Defence mechanisms and society

Defensive behavioural patterns don’t just occur within individuals, groups or organisations; they can also manifest more broadly in society or between nations. Often, a combination of defence mechanisms is at play. A common combination includes gaslighting, polarisation, and ‘blaming the victim’. Several examples of this were evident during the COVID-19 crisis. For instance, unvaccinated people were scapegoated, with all problems blamed on them, despite it already being known that the vaccine did not prevent the virus from spreading. In Germany, an apology was made to this group in 2024, after heated emotions had subsided, and research showed that the government had not followed the science, as they had pretended. This was a form of gaslighting, where people who made valid observations were labelled as ‘conspiracy theorists’. This leads to polarisation on both sides, with the weaker group often being excluded or blamed for the problems (blaming the victim).
Another example is the current polarisation between what used to be termed “left” and “right”. Those with conservative views are labelled by the left as far-right extremists, even Nazis or anti-Semites. Conversely, those with socialist ideals are branded as communists by conservatives. These polarising accusations are damaging to the social fabric of a country. It doesn’t help when governments and media regularly fuel this polarisation through divide-and-rule tactics or even censorship, encouraging each group to cling to its ‘own truth’ while suppressing ‘the other side of the truth.

A long-term, open, and respectful debate on and between all levels of society is crucial here. Perhaps this will only be possible again when a crisis demands collaborative solutions.

Difference between defence mechanisms and resistance to change

Resistance to change within an organisation is often described as a form of defence, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be, although it can take on that form. Resistance to change is usually a natural first reaction that we all experience. We are naturally inclined to hold on to familiar patterns because change often brings uncertainty. In teams, resistance may arise from fear of losing control, status, or familiar routines. Sometimes, it stems from uncertainty about one’s role in the new situation or a lack of trust in the benefits of the proposed change.
Additionally, resistance to change can be a result of the dynamics within a team. If tensions or conflicts already exist, a proposed change may intensify these issues, as the team lacks the trust and resilience to navigate the change together. Change can also be perceived as a threat to the team culture, especially when it is deeply rooted in existing routines and behavioural norms.

Resistance to change can at first best be seen as a phase in which strength and willpower need to be built up. This takes time. To overcome resistance, leaders and change managers must address the concerns and emotions of team members. Transparent communication about the necessity and benefits of the change, along with actively involving team members in the process, can help reduce fear and resistance. Cultivating a culture of trust, where there is space for dialogue and feedback, can pave the way for a smoother transition and greater acceptance of change within teams and organisations. Central to this process is asking employees: “What do you need to make this change in the organisation happen?” To avoid gaslighting or polarisation, it is advisable for proponents of change to acknowledge that they, too, often don’t know all the answers, and it’s possible that those resisting the change may ultimately be proven right.

Employee resistance to change often has many valuable aspects. New leaders in organisations, in particular, tend to rush into making changes in order to leave their mark and demonstrate their leadership. Although this often stems from a desire to drive improvement and growth, this eagerness for change can have unwanted consequences. Often, insufficient time is taken to understand the existing culture, processes, and relationships, leading to confusion and frustration among employees. The haste to implement change can erode the team’s trust and destabilise the organisation.
Moreover, leaders may implement changes without building sufficient support or considering the long-term impact. This can lead to resistance, reduced engagement, and even higher staff turnover. Effective leaders take the time to listen to employees, thoroughly understand the organisation, and make gradual changes that truly add value, rather than rushing into superficial adjustments that are not well thought out.
Additionally, innovation often contains a risky one-sidedness. Alongside the drive to initiate change, there is also a need for timely reflection and pause—something that is often insufficiently recognised by top management. Resistance to change from the workforce should always be taken seriously.

Defence mechanisms, self-reflection, and personal leadership

Self-reflection plays a crucial role in recognising and managing dysfunctional defence mechanisms. By regularly pausing to reflect on our emotions, reactions, and behavioural patterns, we can become more aware of how we protect ourselves from discomfort. This awareness helps us take responsibility for our actions and develop healthier coping strategies. For example, we can set aside a brief period each day to reflect on how different interactions with others unfolded, particularly those where we experienced challenging emotions. Try to recall as accurately as possible who said or did what, and in what order. Do you notice any patterns in yourself? Or in the other person? What feelings did you experience? Would you have preferred to react differently, and if so, how? Could that have led to a better outcome
This process also involves seeking feedback and reflecting on interactions with colleagues. Self-reflection provides the opportunity to recognise defence mechanisms when they arise and gives us the chance to choose more constructive ways of responding. As a result, we can increasingly demonstrate personal leadership and improve our relationships with others by being more honest and open about our emotions. However, this doesn’t mean we should always share everything. The key is to be honest with ourselves and to apply openness in a functional or tactful way.

The Double Healix framework: What types of defence mechanisms are there?

We distinguish twelve categories of defence mechanisms, based on the Double Healix framework for human development (for our Dutch customers we refer to the online course Afweervormen in Organisaties en Relaties where all these defence categories are illustrated and analysed in detail):

Double Healix for coaches, trainers and coaching (team)leaders

It is valuable for every trainer, coach, and coaching leader to have knowledge of defence mechanisms. In the Double Healix online coaching course Coaching in 12 Steps: The narrative approach, experienced professionals can learn coaching techniques based on the Double Healix model of human development. Using numerous film examples, analyses of defence mechanisms will also be provided, along with practical tools on how to expand your coaching skills and manage defensive behaviour effectively.

• Expand your coaching repertoire by means of the best film examples;
• Improve guiding your client or employee in finding a coherent and meaningful (professional) life story;
• Learn how to help your client in finding balance between conflicting truths;
• Broaden your skills to coach individuals and teams to optimal performance.

As a preview, you can create an account on MovieLearning and study a free lesson from the course. For more information, visit the MovieLearning course Coaching in 12 Steps: The narrative approach!

For our Dutch customers we have created a speficic MovieLearning course on defence mechanisms (soon to be translated in English). Please follow the link to the course Afweervormen in Organisaties en Relaties.